another story that clearly must be true

i used to think of the national enquirer as a joke, a journalistic punchline. in fact, when i was in grammar school (before i grew to accept that i can't draw) i even drew a few covers of a parody called the national enquiree (tagline: "enquireeing minds want to know!" hey, in sixth grade, i thought it was clever.)

then came the john edwards affair story. i tried to ignore it as just trash journalism. when it came out that edwards was indeed having an affair, i made sure to point out that the enquirer story was at best half right—the dates were all wrong, and the bullshit about a "love child" turned out to be false.

but gary and melyssa set me straight. "the Enquirer often gets it right," melyssa told me. gary welsh went even further, writing:

As I've said before, you can knock the National Enquirer and other tabloids all you want, but when it comes to political scandals, they're usually dead on.

and then later gary wrote:

When the tabloids take away time from the Hollywood celebrities to take on politicians, it's usually because the mainstream media is covering up for the politician.

indeed. i stand corrected: the enquirer (and other tabloids) are a virtual bastion of quality journalism, at least in the very narrow field of who/what politicians are having sex with.

a few weeks later, the enquirer published another story about an affair, this time involving sarah palin. gary mysteriously ignored that story, despite his high esteem for the enquirer as an institution. but i'm sure that was just an oversight, that he just got caught up in the heat of the election and forgot to post about it.

but now the enquirer has yet another tale of marital infidelity:

The ENQUIRER's exclusive bombshell expose as Sen. John McCain's wife, Cindy, is caught with another man!

Not only that but multiple witnesses have caught the pair lip locking on several other occasions.

"I couldn't believe I was watching Cindy McCain passionately kissing and hugging another man!"

That's the stunned reaction of an eyewitness who says he watched in shock - and snapped photos - as the former presidential candidate's wife romantically kissed a long-haired man who resembles "a washed-up '80s rock musician."

now, the old me would've laughed at this story and at its supposed photo evidence: a grainy snapshot of some woman with a blond ponytail smooching some shaggy-looking dude. but now i know better: the enquirer is usually dead on. john mccain is a cuckold—it's as good as proven.

i'm sure a post will show up at advance indiana any minute now blasting cindy for her infidelity. ¶